The funniest commission requests ever

Tom Edgerton · 11-12-2007, 01:22 PM

Woman once called me and offered me thirty thousand dollars to paint her nude....I thought about it for a minute and asked her, "Can I keep my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes?"

Bada BOOM!

Karin Wells · 11-12-2007, 01:30 PM

Hahaha, snort, guffaw, chuckle. I needed a good laff today. Thanks!

Carol Norton · 11-12-2007, 02:41 PM

What funny, wonderful stories! Getting belly laughs like those make the serious business of portraiture worth every struggle!

Now, it's my turn. This one was one of those "Can you top this?" extreme stories that I swapped with an artist who also includes animal portraiture in her portfolio. My story had to do with painting a dead dog and the dealings with a difficult client. Thinking my saga HAD to win our "contest," she countered with her story. Her tale was about being commissioned to paint the portrait of a client's favorite horse who was..."on it's last legs." She got a call late at night to hurry to the stable and photograph the horse before it went to horse-heaven. She dutifully drove to the client's ranch, and here's the fun part: The horse was black. The stall was dark and the horse was dead!

"Well, did you do the portrait?" I asked, thinking it an impossible task.

"Sure," she said, "and the owner loved it."

As she was not given to exaggeration, I accepted the story knowing that she had won our contest. I did wonder where she got her photo reference. Hmmmmm, Black Beauty, maybe?

Karin Wells · 11-12-2007, 03:53 PM

OK, stop...you win the prize. If I laugh any harder I won't be able to paint today. Your dead horse story is the funniest yet ever!

I lead a dull life....

Julie Deane · 11-12-2007, 08:51 PM

There's no way I can top these!

I did get a request from a wife to draw her husband's deceased dad in pastels. "Big Daddy" - a portly gentleman - had on a choir robe and she wanted him in the sky with angel wings - with her husband looking up to him from below.

Yes, I did it. She is a fellow teacher and it meant a lot to her. But I did at least convince her to allow some clouds to suggest angel wings.

Marcus Lim · 11-22-2007, 10:15 PM

This came from my ex-coordinator / gallery owner friend, whom i worked with long time ago. She runs a regular weekly live drawing sessions, and always on a lookout for new models for her group.

Apparently, one guy came for audition, and after some talks they finally sealed the deal. He asked my friend one last question: are your artists going to draw my face with my body?

My friend was amused, and gave him a definite reply. He smiled and said, "Oh...then..."

"Can i put a paper bag over my head??"

She nearly fell off her seat!
Apparently this guy doesn't want to be recognized (i think he was some top civil servant i guess...) She canned her laughter, and gently turned him down...and he was disappointed by the rejection!

The rest of the day was a laughing history!

Anthony Emmolo · 01-10-2008, 09:44 PM

A middle-aged lady who came to the studio with a photo of her and her husband in happier times, arm in arm. She wanted a pastel of the photo to try to win her husband back from a lover that he'd gotten involved with. In the end, at the unveiling, she loved the painting, but her husband didn't like it at all. Sometimes you've got to know when to say good-bye, but it is hard.

Anthony Emmolo · 01-10-2008, 09:58 PM

I attend a life class on Thursdays here in Shanghai. It is attended by a number of older Chinese men. I am the only foreigner. The Chinese models are all mostly very professional. They tend to be poor ladies from the provinces who are honestly trying to make a living in the big city. Many people in Shanghai come from other parts of China, and send the bulk of their meager incomes home to the families so that the family can live better. Then, in time they may or may not return to their home town themselves.

Well, this one model comes, all dressed in her Saturday night at the disco gear, and immediately approaches me in perfect English. Inside of three minutes we managed to communicate that I am very married. She was very divorced, and wanted me to hook her up with a foreign man so that she could move to the USA or to Europe. "I have this South African guy now," she told me, "But I don't like him so much."

Well, the stand was set for her, she disrobed, and looked over to me. "Do you like my body?" She was scheduled for four more sessions, I didn't come to any of them. I couldn't paint with that kind of "Dirtiness." Although I didn't like my judgment of her at all, I felt I needed to distance myself.